Loss, Grief, Strength and Friendship

Shortly after midnight, on July 18th, 2010, I receive a phone call from my girlfriend, Tiffany.  I wasn't able to get to my phone in time, but I listened to the message that Tiffany was tasked with relaying.  Our friend Anna's mom had passed away earlier that evening.  This wasn't a complete shock, as Kathleen had been ill for some time- being diagnosed with cancer in late 2008.  But, still.  My heart broke for Anna.  Anna had made a mad dash that afternoon to be with her mom in Utah.  Anna was devastated that she hadn't reached her mom in time.  She wasn't with her at the very end.   To better explain this ending, I have to go back to the beginning.
Anna and I met several years ago through her neighbor.  At that time, Anna's husband, Raf, was working in Iraq.  He came home briefly and was then deployed for another year to Iraq.  This separation, combined with other stresses- raising a young son and newborn baby girl, took it's toll on Anna- as it would anyone in her situation.  Through this, our friendship grew and we became closer friends. 
When Kathleen was first diagnosed (and the prognosis was possibly mere months), Anna called me.  I was in Dallas for work, but we talked for a long time- making jokes and trying to bring a little levity to the situation.  That's how we roll.  Me and Anna.  Laughter through tears.  She said that was why she called me- she knew I wouldn't open up the waterworks (too much).  She had done plenty of that earlier.

A year passes and Kathleen is on hospice care.  Through the generosity of a Make-A-Wish (for adults) program, Kathleen's wish to spend Christmas with her daughter was granted.  She flew to Austin and even had a hospice nurse available to her.  During her visit, Anna asked me, along with our close group of girlfriends, to attend a dinner with her mom as the guest of honor.  I enthusiastically agreed to go, but, in my heart, I was dreading it.  I haven't had much experience with death- especially of a close family member.  I don't care to discuss anyone's final wishes- ever. Both my mom and former mother-in-law tried having these discussions with me, but I wouldn't have it.  So, knowing that the focus of this dinner would be the life (and death) of my friend's mom, I honestly tried to think of a plausible excuse not to go.  In the end, I did go.  And, I thank God that I did.  That night was truly one of the most meaningful nights of my life.  Yes, we talked about Kathleen's death.  But, we did so with such honesty, such respect.  We laughed as Anna and Kathleen retold stories of their past and we shared with Kathleen some of our own "Anna Stories".  And, we cried when we spoke of Kathleen's final wishes and her hopes for her daughter and grandchildren.  There will be the stories that we tell of that night- from Kathleen sneaking sips of everyone else's margaritas when Anna left the table to the moment when Tiff and I had our first "Aha!" moment between the two of us (this was during a story that Kathleen was telling and she said something that was so totally unexpected- so jaw-droppingly hilarious- that Tiff and I were left momentarily speechless).  But, it was when Kathleen said that she was happy to get to meet the people who would lift up her daughter when the end came, that moved me the most.  Again, laughter through tears.

I didn't get to talk to Anna until Monday evening after her mom's passing.  We talked for hours.  I only hope that it was helpful to Anna; I know that it was cathartic for me.  I can only imagine the pain that Anna is feeling.  The loss of her Mom, coupled with the geographic and emotional distance between Anna and her siblings, has been so heavy on her heart.  As her friends, we've tried to ease her pain, knowing that only time will help the healing process.  We've tried to unburden her of her guilt, knowing that she will continue to beat herself up over events that she had no control over.  We can rationalize for her, that those final moments weren't the memories her Mom would want Anna to remember her by. But, as her friends, we'll just continue to stand by her, support her, grieve with her and try to comfort her until... well, we'll just continue to love her as always.

The Eternity Burger

Good grief.  This thing is massive. 

The Eternity Burger. 

This has become an annual tradition- simply because it is so rich, decadent and, oh yeah- gluttonous, that one should really only partake of the Eternity Burger once a year.  With a total of 17 ingredients, this "unholy mess of wonderful things" can easily end up weighing well over a pound.  Last year, my boyfriend, Kirk, found an article in the Austin American-Statesman that touted the "Best Burgers in Austin".  The winning recipe was, of course, J.M. Smith's Eternity Burger.  We poured over the lengthy list of ingredients, salivating and unanimously agreeing on the obvious divine intervention that must have occurred to combine the salty crunch of Frito's with the sweet creaminess of avocado and cream cheese.  So, on Labor Day 2009, my sister, Mindy, and I labored over the construction of this beast.  We served them up to our family, who eyed it suspiciously before finally devouring them (to the best of their abilities). 

Fast forward to Independence Day 2010.  There was no questioning it- the masses demanded their annual Eternity Burger.  This year, we were prepared.  There was no breakfast that day.  No snacking, not even chips and Mimi Music's homemade salsa to whet the appetite.  To change it up a little, we actually used ground buffalo in lieu of beef for Kirk and Pop Music's burgers.  That, however, was the only deviation I would allow.  Kirk wanted to add tomatoes and my brother-in-law actually considered, albeit briefly, putting ketchup on it.  After stressing to the wannabe rebels that these babies were built to spec, they agreed to forgo any additional condiments.

Again, the Eternity Burger did not disappoint. We'll definitely grill 'em up again next year. Which is how long it may take to digest them.

8 oz. ground Angus Beef

2 oz. white Cheddar Cheese, grated

1 small avocado, sliced 1/4" thick

2 Hatch green chilis, chopped- either fresh or from a can

2 Tbsp. crushed-up Fritos

2 Tbsp. cream cheese

1 slice red onion

1 whole grain wheat bun

1 Tbsp. melted butter

1 Tbsp. Dijon mustard

1 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce

I tsp. apple cider vinegar

1 tsp. prepared horseradish

1/2 tsp. chili powder

1/2 tsp. black pepper

1/4 tsp. sea salt

1/8 tsp. celery salt


In a mixing bowl, combine beef, Worcestershire sauce, vinegar, horseradish, chili powder, black pepper and sea salt.  Mix well and form one good patty for the grill.
Grill over high heat and turn only one time.  After flipping over, place cheese on top of patty to melt.  Prepare meat to desired doneness.
Open up bun and place on hot grill to toast. 
Mix mustard, butter & celery salt in small bowl.
Place avocado slices directly on bottom bun and sprinkle Fritos on top. Spread Fritos into the soft avocado.
Place red onion slice on top of avocado-Frito mix and then spread mustard sauce on top of it. 
Place burger with cheese on top of mustard sauce. Cover with green chilis.
Spread cream cheese on top bun, then place on top of chilis. Bon appetit, y'all!